Friday, June 07, 2013

Mammaries of Heavy Metal: Steel Panther at download festival

Day 2
Band 2
Warning: Very very Not suitable for Work

Well, Liny was telling me that this band is pretty good and she saw them some times back and they do put on an amazing show. I was under the impression they are one of those 70s glam rock/hair metal band,s which do make up and sing in high pitch voice. I was not sure what I was up for since the band's poster looked like this.
 So these guys started with a short intro piece called as "In the future" followed immediately by their first song "Supersonix sex machine" and they start rocking like real good. I was looking at their attire with my disapproval: shredded shirts, pink/red glasses, arms full of tattoo, leather pants, multi coloured hair and lot of blingy accessories, they looked pretty camp. But it was about the time when my scepticism changed into giant smile when someone flashed the first pair of breast for this performance. The lead singer immediately pointed towards the woman who was gracious enough to entertain the entire crowd with such candid display of those gorgeous mammaries. I was starting to like the sound of the band as both the lead vocalist and lead guitarist were singing.
As soon as the song finished lead guitarist took the mic, for a minute I thought he was the lead vocal. But it so happens that his supporting vocals are bit more prominent compared to others.
So, he started  :"What's up donington, how many people have seen us live before?"
Crowd roared a bit.
"there is an airplane right there"
"say fuck you to airplane"
Crowd: "fuck you airplane"
Lead guitarist: "they can't hear you but who fucking cares!"
"let me  introduce the lead fucking vocalist Micheal Starr , he is like David lee Roth because David lee Roth has pretty small penis"
Micheal: (*whatttt*)
Guitarist: the dude rocks 24*7 and he fucks girls motherfucking half his age, and last week he was fucking a 30 year old girl.
Micheal: "fuck you!!!"
Guitarist: Make some noise for Micheal Starr(*drum rolls*)
Micheal: It feels as good to play here as fucking a girl after doing cocaine from her pussy. This is great day because it is a grand opening of this girl's pussy.
Guitarist: Dude, I saw Metallica going there there before, so wear a condom.
Micheal: Why wear condom you cannot get herpes twice?
Micheal: ladies and gentleman on lead guitars Stachel, who is faster than Edward Van Halen.
Satchel: (*Nods with a NO*)
Micheal: better looking than Ben stiller.
Satchel: THAT IS TRUE(with drum rolls)
Micheal: Skinnier than Yngwie Malmsteen!
Satchel: Everyone is skinnier than Malmsteen.
Micheal: Retarded than  Tom Cruise!
Satchel: REALLY?(disapproving pout)
Micheal: Put your hand up for Satchel.
Satchel: This is fucking awesome, biggest fucking crowd we have ever played for. Make some noise for that chick over there who is about to show here boobies, you dirty whore, later I am going to put my penis in your vagina. I am not going to wear condoms because I cannot get anyone pregnant since I went through menopause. 
Micheal: and on bass guitar this gay looking dude, ladies and gentleman the foxiest bass player in the world Lexxi Foxxx.
Lexxi: (*waving to crowd*) THANK YOU!!!
Lexxi: I want to thank the guy who invented razor so that ladies can shave their Vagina.
Satchel: if your hands are not up for shaved vaginas we cannot help you.
Lexxi: yeah, when we go down there we don't want to wrestle with ZZ top there. And how many people like to go to the Zoo
Micheal: dude, you have one track mind!!!
Lexxi: and the best drummer in our band Mr STIXXXX!!!
Stix plays a little drum solo, which was not bad I would say.
Next, they played one of the non popular song called as "Tomorrow night". The song was not too bad, it was only interspersed with liberal display of mammaries. As soon as the song finished they started talking about hookers and which are the best hookers in the world. As I noticed there were few people who were wearing Japanese straw hats in the crowd, which was theme for the next song, which goes like this:

Asian hooker Hot little motherfucker Asian hooker You're a dirty little cocksucker..............
Micheal(*in the middle of the song*): Make some noise for Satchel on the leads.
which was followed by a really good solo performed by Satchel, who was also licking the guitar in between!!!
Micheal: Make some noise donnington.
Song finished with quick riffs by Satchel. Out of all weird things I have seen at download festival there were teletubbies in the fucking crowd!!! Micheal: Ladies please up on the shoulders, please show some fucking boobies.
And bam there were two girls making out on top of two dude's shoulders.
Micheal: We have seen a lot of boobies,how many of you want to see some more? Cameraman please capture the boobness as it unfolded.
Satchel: Guys if you want to have sex, be safe! 'cause in England the minimum age is 13 years old, no younger than that.
Satchel: Show you tits you whore! (*surprised* ) Woah, that worked! I never thought that would work . Everyone loves Asian hooker, but nobody loves them more than a little guy called as Tiger woods.
With a particularly interesting guitar leads the song they performed was "Just like Tiger Woods".Boob flashing continued with some display of inflatable dolls and dildos. There was one particular lady who was bare chested throughout the whole damn performance and she had Scottish flag painted on her face. Kudos to Scotland for having such candid ladies. Song finished with a great double bass and lot of wah wah pedals.
Michael: Now we are going to do this next song about the relationship we had for two weeks. Satchel come over here. Satchel: dude, I just got my hip replaced this week, don't want to walk down all the way over there because it fucking hurts like hell
Michael: This song is called "Community property".
I would give you the stars in the sky But they're too far away If you were a hooker, you'd know I'd be happy to pay. If suddenly you were a guy I'd be suddenly gay 'Cause my heart belongs to you My love is pure and true My heart belongs to you

And the crowd sing:
But my cock is community property!!!

This was so Brilliantly done, that I almost clapped(no clapping at heavy metal concerts, only Devil horns!). And then there was a chick who has "community property" written over her titties, that was just icing on the cake. The song finished with atleast 10 pairs of male and female boobs being displayed on the Gaint screen.
The next song they performed was "Eyes of a Panther".
Satchel: Dude, who likes to party? Because I like party all day.
Michael: Dude, and I like to fuck all night.
Michael: Everybody fuck each other. And the next song begun this one was called "fuck all night and party all day" and in middle of song Michael shouted "boobies" and 5 more pairs were flashed. One particular chick was being reluctant and she got thumbs down from Michael. 
Michael: Everyone say fuck fuck fuck yeah!
The song finished with everyone shouting fuck fuck fuck, LOL.
Michael: Camerman take the camera right there to those great pair of boobies. Make some noise for those amazing pair of boobies.
Satchel: Everyone thank her dad for letting her sit on his shoulders. Thanks dad, Later I am going to fuck her face.
Michael: Everyone thank you for you coming to the show, we started here in 2009 and we wrote a song about a little back stage experience we had.
Satchel: We lined up 29 girls and fucked 16 of them in a row and took a nap between 17 and 18. We wrote a song about that. Check it out.
Satchel starts with a Great fucking riff.
Michael: Everybody fucking jump JUMP JUMP.
Well, I was ofcourse jumping, it was a great tune, how could you resist it?
The song they performed was "17 girls in a row" with great bass guitar by Lexxi. And in the middle of the song Michael made a shocker hand sign(two in the pink....).
As soon as the song finished Satchel started talking again.
Satchel: dude I have a great news I went to the doctor for aids test and he said everything looks positive, but that is not the great news. We have a special guest here tonight with us, Corey fucking Feldman from Slipknots.
Michea(*disapproving*): Not Corey Feldman , Corey Taylor you fucking asshole. how many people want Corey to beat shit out of Satchel.
Satchel: I didn't recognize him without his mask.
Corey comes out and joins them on stag. I was surprised to see a totally normal looking dude with Motley Crue T shirt and a regular cap. He started this new song called as "Death to all but metal",
 Fuck the Goo Goo Dolls, they can suck my balls 
Everybody shout, "Heavy metal's back!"
Fuck Mariah Carey, death to Sheryl Crowe  They can kiss each other on the camel toe

Fucking brilliant song. That is all what heavy metal fans ever wanted to say. I have to admit as much as I dislike slipknots, Corey is an amazing vocalist. I was laughing my ass off during entire song marvelling at the lyrics Michael: Make some noise for Corey Taylor.
Did everyone had a good time with steel panther?. 
Thank you very much everybody.  He reintroduces all the band members, they get together and bow to the crowd. I was awestruck by this stellar performance, the band is definition of having a good time at rock n roll concert. Not to mention the amount of wonderful display of female bosoms all over the place. I did count upto first 30, then I gave after I realized that there were atleast 50 more pairs flashed later.